Whole Foods Opens: Shreveport’s Problems Declared Solved [SATIRE]

After much courting by the City of Shreveport, realty companies, and business developers, the Texas-chain Whole Foods is set to open a Shreveport location at 70th Street & Fern Avenue. This development means great news for residents who are looking for natural, organic products but who are unwilling to visit stores already offering the same or similar products. Recently, representative Cynthia McCray from Whole Foods met with local farmers to inform them of how to partner with the store. “Even though this is more of a Dave & Buster’s market, we think that there are enough, err, privileged people south of 70th Street who will keep the store afloat,” said McCray with a smile.

Word of the Shreveport Whole Foods has caught national headlines, with the magazine OrganicLife now rating Shreveport as a Bronze Level Food Haven. Mysterious Mayor Mollie Taylor commented, “First we thought we had achieved city-hood by getting a Panera Bread, then a Chipotle, now we have a Whole Foods and we are officially on the map!”

OrganicLife judge and spokesperson Amy Windheart: “Shreveport could have scored even higher had they built a Trader Joe’s or a Sprouts, but they’re on the right track.”

According to the OrganicLife rankings, only name-brand, chain stores count toward a city’s score. This disqualifies Sunshine Health stores, Vitamins Plus, and various markets and food stands throughout the city. “From our score, “Gucci” Brookshire’s on Line Avenue was disqualified due to offering only seven types of hummus rather than the nine types required to qualify as a real health store. This proves that they don’t take the ‘green lifestyle’ seriously,” added Windheart.

Shreveport has been identified in a recent consumer report by WalletHub as the most obese city in the U.S.’s largest 100 metropolitan regions. Many see the addition of Whole Foods as a boon in battling this alarming trend, especially among the children of the area. Mother of three, Alicia Smith is excited about the changes that Whole Foods will bring to her family’s eating habits. “I’m excited that my children will now have access to organic applesauce, rather than regular applesauce, when they want a snack. They have to keep their energy up so they can stay awake while I shuttle them around town in our suburban.”

When asked about her excitement for the store opening, Shreveporter Claire Moss responded, “Last year, when I first got into the whole organic food thing, I couldn’t believe that there were no options here in Shreveport! One time I went to the [Shreveport] Farmer’s Market downtown, but it was just a bunch of old people with their food out in the open – gross! We decided to go to the Provenance Farmer’s Market, because it’s safer than going downtown and it’s closer to our home in Southern Trace. They also kept their food outside, where all the bugs are! I think that Whole Foods will finally be an option for our family, where we can shop safely – away from the dangers of downtown and without food covered in bugs!”

The implementation of a Whole Foods not only provides Shreveport with a bona-fide reputation in the health food community, it also opens doors for future endeavors. Since announcing the opening of a Whole Foods, the City of Shreveport has been able to apply for aid in fixing the sewer system, improving the education system, and securing federal funds for road construction. “It’s like our prayers are answered,” says Mayor Taylor, “Shreveport can finally become a city with mixed-use green spaces and multi-use trails leading to passive solar powered, sustainable architecture buildings crafted with dimension stone. God bless Whole Foods!”