Sounding Off: Marking the Unfathomable – April 2016

Attention All Staff

As most of you are aware, we’ve all been asked to agree to a series of cutbacks. In these challenging economic times, we all have to learn to do more with less. As a cost-saving measure, I have decided to leverage new efficiencies through insourcing and internal reassignment.

Going forward, I will be acting as my own anger translator. As before, I will be addressing you and your ideas with the same professional, constructive, and cheerful tone and verbiage you’ve come to know and appreciate. However, in addition to current protocol, I also will now, immediately and with great disgust and volume, inform you of your idiocy, along with an accompanying qualifier as is deemed appropriate (incredible, thundering, eschatological, etc.). This new offering may on occasion be accompanied by optional add-on features, including (but not limited to): questions concerning the integrity of your conception, wild gesticulations, and spittle.

As we transition to this new phase, I ask that you familiarize yourselves with the location of and distance to area bridges and overpasses, from which you may be asked to fling yourself.

To demonstrate that we are truly committed to the success of this new initiative, the Finance Office has allocated additional resources toward the whiskey, Labetalol, and legal defense retainer budgets.

If you have further questions or concerns, please download Form FU-86 from the “Human Resources Documents” folder on the shared drive, print and fill out the form completely, and submit it by rolling it into a ball and shoving it into a personal orifice of your choosing.

We thank you for your patience during this transition, and we look forward to a productive quarter!

Yours Truly


Last Mark: 14 Feet

Big, ambitious redevelopment efforts are currently underway on both sides of the Red. The resurrection of downtown Bossier City is beginning with an overhaul of Barksdale Blvd. between Traffic and Hamilton, complete with new water/sewage infrastructure and underground utilities. And next week the Caddo Parish Commission is scheduled to vote on a $1.5 million appropriation for the first phase of the Caddo Common project, featuring the creation of a new park and performance venue at the western edge of downtown Shreveport; immediately adjacent to Municipal Auditorium. Both of these big-thinking pursuits seek a reorganization of our understanding of civic life and possibilities in the urban core, and so far the necessary buy-in from local government, interested developers, and affected residents is largely solidified.

It appears the mechanics of advancing these revitalizations have been successfully realized. Let’s hope the the messaging (to ourselves and the world at large) is also. We’ve heard a great deal about how important it is to provide amenity-filled spaces for knowledge economy “millennials” to live, work, and play. While our area is expert in attaching itself to the ideas and catch phrases du jour of a decade ago, twenty-somethings, as precious as they are (and we mean that with only slight derision), are not the only constituency to be addressed. Let’s face it: young people are broke, debt-laden, and uninterested in “place-making” for its own sake. Downtown Bossier and Caddo Common, and our cities generally, must appeal to decision-makers, existing business owners, larger capital markets. Only then will the tech-savvy workforce, homegrown and transplanted, find reason to set down roots. Perhaps the SBC has finally figured out how to play the long game in economic development. We’ll give the benefit of a doubt, once again, and pray that this won’t turn out to be another “Lucy with the football” episode. +3

This just in from the Fuckery Department: A 17 year old student in Bossier was arrested and slapped with child pornography charges for EXCHANGING SEXTS WITH A 16 YEAR OLD. The 16 year old, who apparently sent the first video to the 17 year old, faces no charges, was not identified publicly, and likely won’t have to face a life potentially ruined by felony convictions and sexual offender registry.

The 17 year old boy is black. The 16 year old girl is white.

Louisiana has “Romeo and Juliet” exceptions, but as far as is known, there was not any actual carnal activity between the two. Just videos.

All things being equal, not only should there not have been any legal action taken, but this should not even rate as news. But, obviously and unsurprisingly, all things are not equal.

As KSLA reports,Bossier sheriff’s Lt. Bill Davis bristled at the notion that race played any role in this case. “I have nothing to say about that. It doesn’t matter what your race, what your religion, what your ethnicity, don’t do child pornography! Plain and simple.”

Horse. Shit.

Can we please stop criminalizing typical teenage behavior? Why are these children being policed? And who sincerely believes that race didn’t play a factor in this decision to arrest and charge? Did your 17 year old self deserve to have his name and picture in the paper for scoring with your 16 year old girlfriend? How about for just swapping videos? We will hold out on the possibility that there is more to this story that extenuates, but it really doesn’t matter. Please just make this go away. -2

Forecast: 15 Feet

Please forgive me for the long absence. Life has a way of waylaying the best of intentions. Your dear Captain was press-ganged, but after several months, was discharged for “failure to adapt.” Which should come as no surprise to anyone even tangentially acquainted with me. I never act right. It’s a pirate’s life for me.