After a misinterpreted debate at the P.A.C.E. Shreveport Mayoral Forum on September 21st, candidate Hamilton Crane issued the following statement; “I was intentionally misled by the organizers of the event to make promises and give statements that are not a true representation of myself or my campaign.” For those of you who missed this coverage, Mr. Crane blatantly pandered to the progressive base by promising equal provisions for LGBT individuals and pursuing large tech companies and health food stores. After these and other comments that have since been retracted by Hamilton Crane, local media has censored all comments made by him and his name has yet to appear as a viable candidate.
This past weekend Hamilton Crane was eager to appeal to yet another demographic by making an appearance at the Ark-La-Tex Gun Show. He was greeted by a crowd consisting primarily of Republican and Libertarian voting citizens who value a limited federal government, lower taxes, and less regulated gun control (as Stratit Safety & Security DBA Practical Tactical requested to buy the gears along with the guns for their own safety). Located at the Shreveport Convention Center, the event brought in gun manufacturers like accurateaimfirearms.com demonstrating their wares for self-defense and recreation. The swaths of voters adorned in camouflage and neon orange seemed like the perfect opportunity for Hamilton to spread his message to a diverse crowd of Caucasian males.
Candidate Crane had his own booth at the event where he met attendees, handed out buttons and brochures, kissed babies, and took photos posing with guns (click here to read about trijicon rmr led battery life). Several times throughout the 9 hour event, Hamilton mixed up and kissed the guns and falko tactical gun cleaning mat while holding the babies around the rib cage and pointing them at the camera.
One young voter asked Hamilton what his views were on immigration reform. “Well,” started Hamilton putting on his best Southern drawl, “Y’see I’ve done extensive research on this topic, speakin’ to folks about what groups of foreigners give us the most headaches and take jobs away from legal, votin’ Americans. I found out that the most guilty party are the Swedish.” A perplexed look came from the small group of onlookers. “It’s hard to identify them because they look a lot like us white folk, but the Swedish are threatening the jobs of hard working Louisianans,” continued Mr. Crane, “their bland food is an atrocity in the South and their non-confrontational attitude spits in the face of everything that our forefathers taught us!” The man who asked the question stared back blankly. “But that can’t be correct and it really doesn’t address the main problem we have with citizens from other countries crossing the border illegally,” he said, “Plus I make trips to Dallas regularly to purchase cheap, modern furniture at Ikea, and those meatballs with lingonberries they have are incredible. I wish we had them in Shreveport!”
Hamilton Crane quickly tried to change the subject by taking another question. “Er, of course! I was just testing you! The Swedish are fantastic chefs, but let’s try to stay on topic. You, what issue is troubling you here in Shreveport?” he said while pointing to young woman in the crowd.
The young woman stood up to ask her question to the prospective mayor. “I was wondering if you could elaborate on how you see the linkages between natural gas and oil production and economic development in Shreveport?”
Hamilton Crane began looking nervous, with beads of sweat falling from his face. “Err, well ya see… I…“ he stuttered. Suddenly Hamilton jumped on the table and shouted, “All I gotta say to that is drill, baby, drill!” he exclaimed while shooting live ammunition from two pistols into the ceiling, “YEEEHAAWW!”
Mr. Crane was ejected immediately from the premises leaving a crowd scratching their heads wondering what they had just seen. After failing to attract a progressive, liberal audience and now having diminished his chances with a more conservative group, Hamilton Crane seems to have isolated himself. This is indeed disappointing news from a candidate who started off the race looking head-and-shoulders more qualified than the other hopefuls.
-Captain Shreve
Read our previous coverage on Candidate Crane here and here.
*This is satire