TEXAS AVENUE – All of Shreveport came out to celebrate the opening of the Shreveport Common Cat Park during the grand opening festivities on Saturday, March 29.

Eight years in the making, this park has been the pet project of Mayor Kendrick Lover since he took office in 2006.

“I was always afraid to publicize my fondness for cats because I thought my political opponents would see it as a sign of weakness,” admitted the seven foot tall Lover in his deep, booming voice.  “Ever since I was a young boy and I had my first cat, Dr. Pickles, I knew that I would do something special with my life,” continued the hulking Lover, “I view the Shreveport Common Cat Park as the single best project that I have had a hand in, while in office.”

The park, nestled in the triangular green space along Texas Avenue, used to be home to cracked concrete foundations and garbage. The City of Shreveport partnered with the Shreveport Radical Artist Collective (SRAC) to create a new plan for the area, focusing on ridding the area of blight and bring a new, mixed-use-open-green-space under their new plan dubbed the Underserved Scenic Easement Litter Evacuation Scheme for Shreveport (USELESS).

The Shreveport Common Cat Park is just the first step in the USELESS Plan, with more announcements to come.

“We want to create an ARTsPloSion™ in Shreveport!” explained SRAC Executive Director Sam Pattchison. “Future plans include covering the Calanthean Temple on Texas Avenue in pink glitter so it can be a more visible landmark for the city.

The Shreveport Common Cat Park features a 10-foot fence to prevent the cats from escaping the enclosure, a catnip community garden (that is regularly taken care with the King Green services), a raised-platform playplace, and, the centerpiece for the park, an artistic cardboard sculpture designed by some of Shreveport’s most talented artists.

“The cardboard sculpture is designed by Shreveport’s own Moonbot Studios!” cooed Pattchison. “Have you heard of Moonbot? Moonbot Studios? They won an Oscar!”

The sculpture uses approximately 100,000 sheets of cardboard to create a 30-foot replica of Shreveport’s own Mayor Kendrick Lover.

“I must say, this is a very unexpected surprise,” admitted Mayor Lover whose eyes began to water, “I hope that this park creates a welcoming atmosphere to all of our feline friends, and makes Shreveport the Next Great Cat Palace of the South!”

With that he cut a red ribbon stretched across the front gates of the park with comically oversized scissors, and declared the first Cat Park officially open.

After the ribbon cutting ceremony, cats and their human servants explored the new area and played on the structures. The Artist Collective had several costumed characters in sexy cat outfits passing out Jell-o shots to help the attendees enjoy themselves, and had a group of community artists lead a cat-themed parade around the park.

“This park is the best thing ever!” said Sally Hopkins, 24, from Southern Trace. “This is my first time downtown and I’m amazed that now there is FINALLY something to do in Shreveport!”

As the sun went down, the party disbanded, and the first day of the Shreveport Common Cat Park came to a close as an overwhelming success.

-Ringo Sebastian McMeowmers

*This is entirely false.