With the upcoming seasons for the returning Shreveport Mudbugs hockey team and the newly assembled Shreveport Rafters F.C. soccer team, Shreveport is poised to return to the world of amateur sports after the departure of the Shreveport-Bossier Mavericks basketball team. These recent developments are terrific news for sports-starved northwest Louisiana, where budget cuts have affected the sports programs of local universities. Sports fans should enjoy the family, and budget, friendly events that bring with them the possibility of new economic opportunities and renewed interest in the area.
Everyone is warming up to more local events, except for the residents of the Highland neighborhood. Long seen by their own residents as a bastion of rational thought and open-mindedness, Highlanders are resistant to the idea that individuals can enjoy such gladiatorial displays of physical prowess.
According to Moma Flower-Standin, a resident of the neighborhood, “I just don’t think that sports should be encouraged in our community, especially in our youth. Why can’t everyone just enjoy ballet, croquet, and the things that I like?”
Asking another Highland resident, Montessori School for Shreveport graduate, and current Caddo Magnet student Daisey Hemperton what she thought of the new athletic programs, she responded “Ugh, sportsball. I don’t even know how to sportsball. That stuff is so jockey and lame.”
The general consensus amongst Highlanders was that they could not understand why grown, rational adults would invest so much time and effort into supporting a game, whose rabid fanbases annoy others with their fanatic support of teams that they have no real stake in.
In response to these new team formations, the Highland neighborhood has started its own sports team which promises to be a safer alternative for the high-minded residents. The Highland Quafflers will be Shreveport’s official entry into the U.S. Quidditch League. Quidditch is based off of the fantasy Harry Potter series where players straddle broomsticks as they attempt to toss balls into hoops to score points. Sponsored by Sleepy Hollow Books & Gifts, the Quafflers have attracted a diverse audience of Harry Potter obsessives.
“What I like most about quidditch is that it is more a battle of wits than brawn,” says 12 year old Teresa Crinshaw. “Ha! Just listen to me! I’m such a Hufflepuff.”
Practicing in Columbia Park, the amateur team hosted a scrimmage to select players to represent the neighborhood as the Highland Quafflers. The group included those who made elaborate costumes to honor their heroes from the Harry Potter series, fans who had painted their faces for the event, and created team chants to support their players. Amongst the fifty players who showed up, 10 of them were sent to the hospital with possible concussions from getting hit in the head with hard playground balls called “bludgers.” As of the publishing of this article, there are no guidelines for helmet use during quidditch despite it being a full-contact sport.
“I’m just glad that my daughter is interested in witchcraft, rather than athletics,” says one Highland mother. “Right before she is about to break a sweat and grab her inhaler, they always break for butterbeer and scones; so quidditch is not so much a sport as a social group.”
Rumors have started that Daniel Radcliffe, star of the Harry Potter series, himself will be on hand to throw the golden snitch into the air for the first game. The Shreveport police have been planning on how to handle the crowds at the event, knowing that the ravenous Harry Potter fans may trample each other to death in order to catch a glimpse at the actor.
“We haven’t seen this sort of fanaticism since Lucy Lawless was in town,” said one SPD officer. “They’re not typically a violent fan-base, but when they get together in crowds things get out of hand. They idolize these fantasy figures and lose their grasp on reality.”
*This is all satire. And we all love Harry Potter, ok? Don’t get your knickers in a wad.