Note: This article originally appeared in the Summer 2016 Print Edition released June 9, 2016. We had no idea it would turn out to be nigh prophetic.
There’s no arguing it: geeks have gone mainstream. Hollywood has bent the knee to the whims of online reviewers and merchandise aimed at both children and man-children alike. Game of Thrones on HBO has gone gangbusters, catering to book lovers and “#showplebs” alike, and the channel even airs the hit show Silicon Valley right afterwards. It simply cannot be denied that the words “nerd” and “geek” do not have the same stigma that were attributed to them in the ‘80s and ‘90s.
In Shreveport we’ve experienced the success of the Geek Fair & Geek’d Con, the struggle of Louisiana Comic Con, and the glorious crashing-in-flames horror that was Geek4Life. On the horizon is the growing website/podcast of Geekdom, the opening of The Machine barcade in downtown Shreveport, and the holy-shit-this-exists creation of The Queue Tavern in Bossier (WARNING: their eyesore of a website autoplays music). It doesn’t take a doctorate of sociology to realize that the “geek bubble” is about to burst. To put it in words mouth-breathers can understand – we must bring balance to the force. Luckily, I’m not alone. There is a group of bros in the Broadmoor neighborhood of Shreveport (“Bro-moor”) who are doing something about it.
Gathering at the A.C. Steere Park after a rugby game, members of the Shreveport Rugby Team began to discuss the current “culture war” that was taking place in Shreveport-Bossier City. “It’s like everyone has gone crazy” says rugby player Smee Mack, “after high school, the world just went crazy. Nerds are making money off of bros, rather than bros taking lunch money from nerds.” Surveying the small group gathered in the bleachers, the combined amount of money spent on micro-transactions in the mobile game Deer Hunter 3000 was $13,450. “These little twerps are outsmarting us and taking our money!” continued Mack, “I say enough is enough. I am working to exact retribution on the nerds and geeks in our community who make us feel dumb by recognizing eastereggs in Marvel movies, or know what the “speedforce” is. I’ve been watching The Flash since the first episode and I’ve never been more confused!”
The “Bro-moor” members who gathered that fateful day came up with a plan to bring the jocks of the world back on top. “We sent out a call to the South Highland and Southern Trace preps and frat boys to aid in our plan” explained Topher Christianson, rugby player and employee at John Pickens Clothiers, “We told them to meet us at Monjuni’s and we would fill them in on the details.”
Although it puts me at personal risk, I have decided to outline their plan to warn my geek and nerd brethren. Tape your glasses extra tight, hit your inhaler, and commit the following to memory in order to stay safe:
The Bro-moor plan is to regain the biggest loss that the jocks have suffered due to the shifting, more open culture that has arisen; their supplemental income. In a two-pronged approach, the jocks will open a restaurant in order to reclaim their lost lunch money revenue, while the preps will create a viral campaign to funnel business into one behemoth company that will corner the market in Shreveport/Bossier. “Our business plan is simple, we open a welcoming restaurant, Burgers4Life, so irresistible to nerdy sensibilities that they have no choice but to line up outside our doors,” outlined Topher Christianson. “We’ll create a facade that includes all the amenities they would want – arcade games, an automated bartender system, Twitch streams of all the big e-sport championships, and cosplaying waitresses and waiters. This will show them!”
The Southern Trace prep’s plan is even more dastardly. They will print vague bumper stickers that say “CSO” to spark confusion and curiosity in the community. Craving knowledge, the geek community one-by-one will scour the internet to find that these confusingly prolific stickers represent none other than – an orthodontist clinic. Everyone knows that at some point geeks will have to endure dental hardware which becomes the bane of their high school experience. Cross & Solomon Orthodontics, owned by the prep alliance, will soon corner the market with these subliminal stickers and reap large sums of money from rock chewing nerds.
Heed this plan, dear reader. Refuse the siren song of Burgers4Life and their ilk, and rip off those ubiquitous bumper stickers that plague our community.