After the last horoscopes were transcribed directly from the divine Hercules, the staff at Heliopolis decided to ask if he could provide any advice for the season of love. He respectfully declined and told us that Cupid would be in town and we could ask him. Who better to give us information on love horoscopes? We all hope you take his sage advice on date ideas and have a wonderful Valentine’s Day!
By Raphael Rodriguez
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)
Your date should be exploring downtown Shreveport. Find a way to get to the top of a building and set up a picnic there. Bonus points if you do it on the ledge of the building to increase the danger factor! Moscato is the way to go.
This Week: Figure out how fast you and your date can run from the cops. Or just trip them and run…
Aquarius (January 21-February
Have you learned how to cook yet? A romantic home cooked meal speaks wonders about your potential to be a spouse. Try out a new recipe and maybe some chocolate covered strawberries! Pour some red wine.
This Week: Be proactive: look up tips on how to get better from food poisoning.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
Not everyone has a date on Valentine’s day, but you can brighten someone else’s day: Random Acts of Kindness can be made into Random Acts of Love… give away all your alcohol; nobody wants to drink alone!
This Week: Buy some roses, maybe some extra chocolate, and give it out to those who look lonely.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
A romantic day in bed… bring breakfast to the bed; spend the entire day cuddling and snuggling. White wine makes the bedroom vanilla.
This Week: Contemplate the difference between snuggling and cuddling.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
You’re screwed. Nothing is going to work for you.
This Week: Try not to cry.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Ever been tandem biking? It’s a thrilling way to get some exercise and to do something cute. Who doesn’t want to be stuck riding behind you after the romantic meal of all beans? Whisky goes well with beans.
This Week: Purchase a motorcycle helmet to protect yourself from the earful you are going to get. Wait… what?
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Learn how to make some Chocolate Mousse. Once you do, you’ll get to Lady-killer status. Girls left and right will be falling after you as you walk on by. The mousse is all-powerful; combining el chocolate and a soft delectable whipping cream that melts in your mouth… Rum pairs perfectly!
This Week: Invest in some cocoa stock.
Leo (July 23 –August 21) Go visit the zoo, or Chimp Haven. Explore your inner animal and find out what gets you riled up! Is it the lion? What about the whooping crane? Ohhh I know, the pandas get you going.
This Week: Purchase a copy of Animal Kamasutra.
Virgo (August 22 – September
Girls, it’s your turn to take your significant other out on Valentine’s Day! He likes it when you take charge and surprise him.
This Week: Take it up a notch and initiate intimate discussions with him over text. There is a name for that, but we aren’t allowed to talk about that here.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Take her out of the city and bring a blanket and some snacks. Lay out under the stars, and tell her why you love her! Gin and Juice with some Grey Goose.
This Week: Try out the five pointed star, in bed.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Sweep her off her feet, and go dancing. A woman likes to swoon; she wants to know you can lead her in some two-stepping, fancy a waltz, and are ready to tango. Tequila makes the room spin faster.
This Week: Buy some shoe noisemakers, the ones that attach to the sole, so every time you walk around you get everybodys’ attention; because you’re an obnoxious rockstar.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Ernest’s is the best place in town to get dinner for two. It’s a much better idea than going to Taco Bell, and we all know you took a date there last year. Step up your game, grow some balls, and go hunt alligators. Drink some scotch, and grow a beard.
This Week: Begin idolizing the man from the Dos Equis commercials. Put posters of him up in your bedroom.
Photo by SurFeRGiRL30 on Flickr Creative Commons