Dusting off a squeaky telescope, we turn our gaze towards the autumnal stars to discover what’s in store for your horoscope this Halloween. Put away the seance candles and pentagrams. You will find your outlook anything but dim in this spooky installment of your trustworthy Heliopolis horoscopes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Choose your haunted house companions wisely this year, as the stars are heavy with signs of deception for Halloween. Chances are when the chainsaw revs up, frightened friends may trip you up to make a quick getaway.
This week: Put away the Scream mask. That’s so 1996.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your tone of voice and general demeanor is going to be very convincing this week, so speak up to that customer that wants to go through the express lane with 16 items.
This week: Avoid the temptation to poison the candy you give out to the neighborhood kids this year.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The challenge you face this week is deciding what to sacrifice to get what you want. Will it be painting lamb’s blood across your doorframe to ward off the Halloween spirits come for your firstborn, or maybe putting down that tenth Fun Size Milky Way?
This week: You haven’t called your mom in awhile, so why not do it when you know she can’t pick up? Then it’s not your fault!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Listen to the opposing viewpoints you hear this week in determining which Halloween costume is suitable for that extra five pounds you’ve packed on since summer. Whether raunchy kitten or Garfield, you have control of how you are seen.
This week: Consider a group costume, with one person dressed as a crazy cat lady.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Be clear in your communications with others this week. Be careful who you copy on work emails, and watch the use of hashtags. Going to see your #therapist can be taken different ways.
This week: Try saying what you need to say through interpretive dance! No one will mistake your intentions.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Think for yourself this week, Aries, by looking past the manipulative actions of others. Is someone putting words in your mouth? The only thing that should be going into your mouth is a steady flow of King Size candy bars. Because you’re an adult and there’s nothing “fun” about small candy.
This week: It’s time to feel guilty about not flossing in preparation for your biannual dental cleaning.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be slow to anger this week and dress as Mother Teresa or Gandhi. Remember that it takes two to make an argument, two to tango, and two to Wobble. Two points make a line and two people make a line dance and the Ratchet City loves hip-hop.
This week: Consider taking an anger management course, getting really mad, storming out, and going home to watch “Anger Management” because it will actually make you feel better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The duality of your sign will come in handy this Halloween season. Guys are totally into two-faced chicks, especially if you roll over so he wakes up to your “good side.” You can pull off dressing as a playing card, the mayor from Nightmare Before Christmas, or Harvey Dent.
This week: Find inspiration from local politicians.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If clarity is what you seek, you will find it with the wind whipping through your beard. Put a bike between those stems and paint with all the colors of the wind as you pedal with SBC Bike Social in this month’s Critical MANNERS. Sometimes fresh air and a little green(ery) is the solution to a foggy outlook.
This week: Make informed decisions about the upcoming election. And by informed, I mean drunk.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are feeling generous this week, and what better way to share the gift of your warm heart than by donating blood? I hear that a sparkling, handsome, pale fellow is holding the blood drive at midnight on Halloween in a dark house that always seems to have lightning striking behind it.
This week: They are now doubling up the needles for donations, so don’t worry about how your elbow looks like it’s been bitten.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Have you been good lately? An untarnished reputation will help you get through this Halloween season, as it’s usually the unblemished virgin who makes it out alive in the horror flick.
This week: Don’t have sex with anyone. Your life depends on it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you have unfinished business with the dead, stay away from the local cemeteries. This crystal ball is showing some shambling, hobbling figures who are hungry for your gray matter.
This week: Go down to the pub, have yourself a pint, and wait for this all to blow over.