Mayoral candidate Hamilton Crane joined other hopefuls at a public debate hosted by People Acting for Change and Equality (P.A.C.E.) at The Betty and Leonard Phillips Deaf Action Center on September 21. The event was focused on gauging the progressive civil rights positions of the mayoral candidates. Every news outlet in attendance seemed to refuse to post the comments from newly announced candidate Hamilton Crane. Luckily, the Heliopolis staff was on hand to document this candidate’s insightful responses as he sought to “out-progressive” the competition.
In the forefront of the conversation was the state of Louisiana’s current ban on same-sex marriage, and what each of the candidates thought about the matter or how they would work to overturn the decision. Support ranged from outright support, to typical political waffling, to outright disapproval.
Hamilton Crane had the opportunity to give his opinion on the matter. “I agree that the Bible is the true moral measure, by which we all are judged. However, my focus is not on the excerpts that are taken out of context to fit one’s political wishes. My main platform comes from Leviticus 11:9-12. ‘Anything in the seas or the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is detestable to you.’” After some shuffling and feigned attempts to interrupt this tirade, Mr. Crane continued, “I’m proposing that the state of Louisiana is living in sin! Hell, it’s what we’re known for – seafood! Specifically crawfish, shrimp, crab, and oysters. Once I’m in office the poboys in town will be confiscated, and gumbo will rightly have only have one ingredient: okra!”
At this point the moderators reminded Mr. Crane to stay on topic and to answer in the allotted time period. Another topic was that of extending benefits of gay city employees to their partners and children. It was then that Hamilton Crane decided to up the ante in “out-progressiving” the other candidates. “I’m a big supporter of the gays. In fact, I have some friends that are gay,” he began to the audible groans of the crowd in response to his obvious pandering. “Under my mayorship” he continued, “Not only will retirement and healthcare benefits be extended, but all same-sex couples employed at the city level will be given their own house!” Looks of confusion were painted on the crowd’s faces. “Your houses would all be in their own private neighborhood, with a gate and everything!” said Crane proudly.
One audience member shouted to the stage “Are you proposing that all same-sex city employees be housed in a segregated area of the city?” Mr. Crane looked around nervously at the crowd. “No, not at all!” he defended himself, “the community would be located way far away, where you won’t be bothered. In Mooringsport!” At this point the crowd noise grew from a murmur of contempt to people standing up and openly booing. “You haven’t let me finish! I just want to attract businesses to Shreveport who are looking for a progressive city! They’ll come here and make their apps, people love apps! You know, like that Kim Kardashian game?”
It was no use; Hamilton Crane was banned from the rest of the discussions that evening and his comments were censored by the media in attendance. I met with Mr. Crane after this horrendous appearance; and he wanted me to include some post-debate thoughts.
“I just wanted to reach a new demographic, and maybe I got a little carried away with my campaign promises,” admitted Crane, “But I’m steadfast in my commitment to making Shreveport a more progressive community. I want Apple, Amazon, or Google to have a headquarters in our city and I think by providing these basic equality measures we can make that a reality. So forget about the private housing community in Mooringsport. What do progressive people want in a community? I know, how about a Whole Foods!”
-Captain Shreve*
Read about Candidate Crane’s debut into the Shreveport political scene here.
*This is satire.