When not focusing on local happenings, we here at Heliopolis like to stay up to date with mainstream culture. So when we found out yesterday that there is a sequel in the works for the 70s cult classic “The Star Wars”, we knew we should cover it in case any readers happen to like the niche series. We asked our friend Kemerton, a local film maestro, if he’d sit down with us average Joes to share some opinions and predictions about the upcoming movie and its universe. What follows is a transcript of that conversation, preserved in its original form.
Heliopolis: Star Wars has been around since the 70’s. Have you seen the original trilogy? What are your thoughts?
Kemerton: I have seen the original trilogy, yes. I think it’s fantastic and still holds up. This is a stupid question. Next.
H: Would you consider George Lucas a genius? Or more of an idiot savant?
K: First and foremost, I would consider George Lucas a gigantic nerd. I think there are shades of genius in there, somewhere, underneath all the flannel, but I’m not ready to label him a savant. Nor am I ready to label him an idiot. So let’s just stick with nerd, for now. A lumberjack/nerd hybrid.
H: Who’s an old character that you would love to see return in the new flick, and why?
K: I’d love to see Lando Calrissian, because the man can wear a cape and make it look good. It’s not easy to pull off a cape. Trust me. I’ve tried
H: What creatures can viewers expect from “The Force Awakens?” Robots? Vampires? Robot Vampires?
K: What creatures can viewers expect? Yikes, you just don’t want me to ever get a date again, do you? Sigh. Wookiees, obviously (Chewbacca). Admiral Ackbar is back too, which means we’ll be seeing whatever the hell he is. (Okay, fine. He’s a member of the Mon Calamari species. Happy?) Doubt we’ll see any Ewoks – maybe a cameo, if anything. Jar Jar Binks is Gungan, and since they’ll be avoiding him like the plague I don’t think you’ll be seeing any of that lot, this go-round. We know a significant portion of the film will take place on Jakku, which sounds an awful lot like Tatooine, so keep an eye out for Jawa, Hutts, or Bantha. Obviously we’ll have robots – it’s Star Wars. I won’t dignify the vampire inquiry with a response.
P.S.: Thanks again for all but confirming I will, in fact, be dying alone.
H: Is that black stormtrooper from the trailer Lando Calrissian’s son?
K: No, I do not think the “…black stormtrooper from the trailer” is Lando Calrissian’s son. First of all, he’s got a name. It’s Finn, and he’s one of the main characters. Chalking him up to “… the black stormtrooper” is a bit lazy, no? Also, just because he and Lando are black doesn’t mean they’re related. If I need to explain why, then you’re a moron. There’s an entire galaxy of characters in the Star Wars universe… I promise there are more than, like, three black people.
H: Do you believe Han Solo will successfully live through “The Force Awakens?”
K: I think Han is going to bite the dust, unfortunately. But I can tell you this much: if he’s going to go out, he’s going to go out like a badass. And you’d better believe Chewie’s going to avenge the shit out of him.
H: What character are you dressing up for at midnight for the premiere?
K: I’m going to dress up as a lonely 29-year-old for the premiere, because I’m a method actor. Stick to what you know, right? But I’ll also have a lightsaber on me, because there’s nothing cooler than a laser sword.
That concludes this installment of “Ask Kemerton.” The remastered version will feature singing aliens and Kemerton shooting first. See you nerds at the movies!