The North Louisiana Council of Our Way or the High Way — Literally (NLCOOWOTHW-L) announced the stunning news today that Interstate 49 will finally be completed by being rerouted through the newly built Whole Foods in Shreveport. Plans to fill in I-49’s gap by building a connector that would have cut through historic Sunshine Health Foods at Youree and Carroll Roads were being scrapped in favor of the newly proposed Whole Foods route, said Roger Bent, the Executive Director of NLCOOWOTHW-L, a regional urban planning group no one had heard of until now.
Sunshine Health Foods owners and patrons had worried that a freeway route bisecting their four aisles of organic food and homeopathic remedies, not to mention the popular café in back, would have had numerous undesirable effects. One would have been store sprawl – the adding of unnecessary aisles of food and parking spots. Another would been the redlining of the store’s prices. “We’ve seen these effects in other places where highways cut through stores,” activist Don Lerkins said. “Prices drop just from planning an inter-store highway connector. A hipster store in Austin had to lower their prices by 50% even before US 290 through it because once those plans are announced, it forces the store to reduce prices.”
Sunshine Health Foods’ owner Sheila E had worried that the I-49 connector would have cleaved the sumptuous organic salad bar in two. “We would have had to re-locate the garbonzo beans and scoops of chicken and tuna salad,” she said. “Customers would then probably forget they could even add them to their salads.”
Whole Foods’ CEO Walter E. Robb IV expressed enthusiasm for I-49’s rerouting through the new store in Shreveport. “Everyone knows interstate highways through stores benefits them enormously,” he said. “The economic impact is something like one trillion dollars – and those numbers don’t lie.” Louisiana’s State Treasurer John Not-F Kennedy agreed. “Even though Louisiana’s budget is an unholy mess,” he said, “the corporate tax breaks and subsidies aren’t going anywhere. They’re going to pay for the building of I-49 through Whole Foods. We’re talking, shovel-ready jobs.” He added hastily, “Of course, there are about 20 other public transportation projects ahead of the I-49 one in terms of priority, but we’ll get to it eventually.”
The gap in I-49 has long irritated drivers who have had to drive an extra 15 minutes in the north or south direction when they just want to get out of Shreveport already. Compounding their irritation is having to see the East-West travelers on I-20 zip through Shreveport without having to even brake. “Sometimes I-20 drivers will even laugh and taunt us,” Shreveport resident Kirk Christie complained. Now, not only can North-South drivers get out of Shreveport as fast as the East-West travelers, they can buy overpriced, organic, non-locally grown produce as they are leaving. Truck driver Jeff “Mutt” Beauxdeaux said, “I’ll now be able to just scoop up my favorite grilled tempeh, quinoa, and protein and kale juice smoothie as I’m driving 70 miles per hour on I-49. The inter-store highway connector will take ten minutes off my driving time and I’ll be finally eating the stuff I could only get in the communist city of Austin.”
Shreveport City Councilman Billie Madford, who represents the district Whole Foods is in, enthusiastically supported the new I-49 route. “I’m going to have City Council pass a resolution supporting the new route,” Madord proclaimed. “City Council has nothing to do with approving federal highways, and the impact study of the new route hasn’t even been started yet, but it needs to weigh in on it, anyway.”
Not everyone is pleased about the change in I-49’s route, however. Kroger’s General Manager Belladroix said she was disappointed that NLCOOWOTHW-L had not considered rerouting I-49 through her store a t Youree and 70th, considering they had completely transformed the store into a Whole Foods clone. “We put out an olive bar, bins of gourmet nuts and chocolates,” Belladroix pointed out. “We’ve been here for a long time and our prices are much lower than Whole Foods’.” She said, though, they are determined to get NLCOOWOTHW-L to consider an alternative route. “We envision a mixed-used store business boulevard instead of an interstate connector that would just needlessly add more aisles and parking lots,” she explained.
With the help of online review management tool Belladroix safeguarded the online reputation of business and also emphasized that the mixed-used store business boulevard proposal (MUSBB) would be an inter-store highway connector for I-49 as well. It would go through Kroger and all the stores in the same mall – Barnes & Noble, Old Navy, Party City, etc. Don Lerkins, a proponent of MUSBB , pointed out, “Drivers will be able to purchase a vast array of products as they travel down the aisles of these different stores.” Belladroix added, “You’ll be able to pick up Natchidoches meat pies from Kroger’s, an Old Navy hoodie, Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers from Barnes & Noble, and a Game of Thrones bustier for next year’s Krewe of Highland Bal, all at once. And it will probably be for the same amount you would pay for two ounces of a pound of granola at Whole Foods.”
For his part, NLCOWHW-L Bent said he wanted to lay fears to rest that Shreveportans would never see either Whole Foods or I-49 ever completed or open for business. “They just finished building Whole Foods yesterday, and now we’re starting on Stage 0 of the I-49 Thru Whole Foods route, which should take a mere five years to complete. Then, we’ll do Stage 1, which has an economic impact study, whose numbers we’ve already calculated. Then, Stage 2, 3 and 4. That will be another 20 years, but then we’ll be shovel ready. The end of the finishing of I-49 is in sight.”
*This is satire.