Dear Kemerton,

As a resident of Shreveport I’m continually disturbed by the amount of overweight individuals I see on a daily basis. Clearly we have a health problem and it only seems to be getting worse. Why are there more people in the drive-thru at Raising Cane’s than there are exercising or going to the gym? The obesity rate is something that must be addressed. Not only as a nation but on a local level as well. 

Barbara

Dear Barbara,

Let’s get real, here. You know why there are more people in the drive-thru at Raising Cane’s than there are out exercising? Because exercising isn’t fun, and chicken fingers are delicious. Don’t be naive. Look, I understand your concern, and don’t want to undermine the severity of obesity,  but we aren’t in California. Here, we don’t care what we look like. We aren’t chomping at the bit for a juice bar, or counting calories. Collectively, as a state, we decided long ago that we would rather drink beer and eat fried food than be fit. The truth hurts, Barbs. But don’t shoot the messenger.

Sincerely,

Kemerton

PS: Hippie.
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Dear Kemerton, 

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I’ve ended up with a dead body in my car. What’s the best way to get rid of it without getting in trouble? I’m kind of in a hurry.

Thx,
Louis

Yep, I’m not touching this one.

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There’s this kid at school that keeps trying to talk to me and keeps messaging me on Facebook. I think he wants to be my friend, but I really don’t like him. I ignore him, but he keeps persisting. The thing is, he’s physically handicapped. How do I let him know that I don’t want to be his friend without being mean about it?

Stuart

Stuart,

I’m afraid you’re already being mean about it. What is it about this kid that you don’t like? Sounds to me like he just wants a friend. Why ignore him? Don’t take this the wrong way, Stuart, but you aren’t that important. I promise. It’s best not to make a habit of shutting people out just because you can. And what does the physical handicap have to do with anything? I’m not going to help you figure out a way to break the news to the kid that you don’t want to be his friend. If you’re going to be a jerk, at least have the guts to tell him yourself.

And Stuart? This whole, “I don’t want to be your friend” thing? It might come back to bite you in the ass one day. Tread lightly.

Kemerton

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Dear Kemerton,

My parents are convinced I’m addicted to my phone and have taken it away. They want me to seek therapy for it and refuse to give it back until I go. Is this an actual thing? Can you really be addicted to a phone? I think they just don’t get it because they are old and didn’t grow up w/ stuff like phones and internet. 

Claire

Dear Claire,

I’m afraid there is such a thing as being addicted to your phone. Don’t fret; it could be worse. You could be addicted to crack, or sniffing glue. But, to be fair, just because your parents think you’re addicted to your phone doesn’t mean you really are. I’d suggest finding out, for yourself – and the only way to do that is by seeing a professional. There’s nothing wrong with therapy. It can be a good thing. Plus, it seems like that’s your only shot at getting the phone back… no use in dragging your feet.

For now, enjoy the positives of not having a phone. I think you’ll find it’s somewhat refreshing to actually experience the world around you rather than spending all your time with your head down, texting, ignoring your surroundings. It might not be fun at first; I get that. I’m guilty of relying on my phone too much, as well. But look at this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your parents, your friends, etc.

Hang in there.

Kemerton

Sent from my iPhone (sorry that was mean)