Dear Kemerton,
I have this friend who went on a date recently and accidentally went to the bathroom on himself. Needless to say, the date didn’t end well. If you were in this situation, what would you do to salvage the situation?

Thanks,
Fred

Dear Fred,
Sorry to hear about your “friend.” Yikes! So, what I would I do if I were in that situation? Well. They say honesty is the best policy – but that doesn’t apply here. The chances of your date respecting your candor enough to look past the fact that you’ve wet yourself are slim to none. So, let’s say you’ve just had the accident. For starters, play it cool – if you panic, it’ll show. Take a breath, collect yourself. It’s time for an audible. If you’re at a restaurant it’s a quick fix – “accidentally” spill a drink in your lap. You have to sell it, though – no half measures. And accuracy is key, so line it up just right – you want to make sure you soak the “evidence” and not the floor. So, after the drink lands in your lap, stand up, act embarrassed, say something about how big of a klutz you are and apologize. Chances are she’ll laugh it off, and it’ll just look like you’re a bit of a dork… a clumsy, but lovable dork. Hope this helps, Fred! Be sure to pass it along to your “friend.”
Also, another thing he could try? Not wetting himself. That should nip it in the bud.
Regards,
Kemerton
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Dear Kemerton,
Why are most people in Shreveport drunk before noon? 

Seth
 
Dear Seth,
The reason most people in Shreveport are drunk before noon is because they’re trying to cure their hangover from the day before, when they got drunk before noon.

Regards,
Kemerton

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Dear Kemerton,
I work in a cubicle alongside one of my coworkers. He is a really nice guy and we work well together, but he has a habit of taking off his shoes and his feet smell TERRIBLE. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. What should I do?

Annoyed,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
I certainly don’t blame you for being annoyed – nobody should be taking their shoes off in the office. That alone would bother me. But the fact that the dude’s rocking some gnarly foot odor, too? It’s time for the gloves to come off, Jessica. Tell your boss. Chances are, if he or she has a private office, they don’t have to deal with the smell – meaning they might not think it’s a big deal. If that’s the case, you’ll need to make it a big deal. Next time he ditches his footwear, steal his shoes when he’s not looking and hide them in your boss’ office. Two birds, one stone. Boom.
Best of luck,
Kemerton
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Dear Kemerton,
If I can’t do handstands, am I fat?
Danny

Dear Danny,
If you’re unable to do a handstand, you’re unable to do a handstand. It doesn’t mean you’re fat. I wouldn’t use the handstand as a way to gauge your health; it has more to do with balance than it does weight or conditioning. Instead, try jogging to the end of the street and back. If you can’t make it, chances are you’re fat. Actually, I shouldn’t say that.

What I’m trying to say is this: You can be fat and still do a handstand, or thin and unable to. So if this is about your health, don’t worry about the stupid handstand thing. See a doctor. If this is about you really wanting to figure out how to do a handstand, YouTube that shit, bro. They have tutorials for everything.
Good luck!
Kemerton
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Dear Kemerton,
How do you feel qualified to give driving advice?

Gray M.
Dear Gray,
I feel qualified to give driving advice because not only am I a licensed driver, I’m probably the best driver in the state, possibly the country/world. When I first took the driving test my instructor told me to pull over about three minutes into the drive. I assumed I was doing something wrong, and asked if I’d made a mistake. He looked me straight in the eyes and said “Son, I’ve been doing this for a long time – and I’ve never seen anyone handle a vehicle with such precision, such skill… you’re by far the best driver I’ve ever seen, and I feel fortunate to have been a passenger of yours. You’ve got a gift, kid. Let’s make the block a few more times – I want to savor this moment.”I did as I was told, but as we were making a left turn at a busy intersection a truck came out of nowhere and was hit by an adjacent car. Unfortunately, the truck happened to be transporting land mines – and now they were all over the road. I tried to warn the other drivers – “It’s not safe! Go back! You’ll set off a land mine!” but it was too late. Cars were flying left and right; flaming debris raining from the sky. “What do I do?” I asked the instructor. He smirked. “You know what to do. Get us back to the DMV, son.” I took a deep breath, and put the car in drive. “Might want to buckle up,” I said. “I am buckled up. I’m a driving instructor,” he responded. “Good point,” I thought to myself. And with that, I pressed the gas, and we began our journey through a road chock-full of land mines and twisted metal. I weaved the car between the danger zones – careful not to set off a mine or hit the charred remnants of vehicles lining our path. Pedestrians tried to flag me down, convinced I was driving into certain death. “Don’t mind them,” the instructor said. “They don’t know any better.” About a minute and eleven seconds later we pulled into the DMV parking lot – with the vehicle (and ourselves) unscathed. “It’s been a goddamned pleasure, son.” The instructor said, as he shook my hand vigorously and maintained eye contact for at least four or five seconds too long, making me uncomfortable. “A goddamned pleasure.” I thanked him, and said “Does this mean I passed?” He laughed, and said “Not only did you pass, you’re probably the best driver in the world.” Wait, what was the question again? Something about driving credentials? Sorry, I can’t remember. It was driving-related, for sure. Well, hope this answered whatever the question was!
Forgot your name,
Kemerton