After last issue’s horoscopes were channeled from Satan, the staff at Heliopolis made a conscious decision to cleanse this paper from future evil. We piled in a van and headed west to the desert, stocking up on peyote along the way (as usual). What we found out in the desert was a Medicine Woman, who offered to determine these horoscopes based off of spirit animals rather than astrological signs.
By Running Elk
Leo (July 23- August 21) Your spirit animal is the humble beaver. Channel the semi-aquatic rodent’s engineering prowess in your home as you create your own backyard wrestling pit. Sure, you’ll get some strange stares over the fence from the neighbors, but they’re just jealous that their pool is filled with water rather than strawberry jello.
This Week: Search for a beaver-skin coat at Olive Street Thrift.
Virgo (August 22 – September
Your spirit animal is the mighty moose. Like the moose, you are a solitary creature, not needing a herd or group to belong to. I suggest visiting Stray Cat in search of a mate. However, be prepared to do some headbutting if a competitor approaches.
This Week: Try to stay in and cook more meals at home. That means more money for the bars afterwards.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Your spirit animal is the dreaded cobra. Invest heavily in hooded sweatshirts and get to work on your penetrating stare. Then spend the weekend walking near Phoenix Underground giving their patrons looks of disapproval.
This Week: Binge watch the G.I. Joe cartoon series on Netflix.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Your spirit animal is the scorpio-, wait? Did you think I was going to say scorpion? You’re so wrong. Your spirit animal is the mighty narwhal. You’re hardly seen, and some people don’t believe you even exist. It’s time to prove them wrong.
This Week: Do something to get a lot of attention, like spray paint a single tusk coming out of the head of all the mayoral candidate billboards in town.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
Your spirit animal is the giraffe. Look you might be considered tall or short by others, but this week you need to walk tall. Extend your neck, keep your chin up, and stay on your toes. If you’re a woman, wear tall heels. If you’re a man, do the same.
This Week: Strut into Deli Casino, and refuse to write your own ticket. Man, they hate it when you do that!
Capricorn (December 23 – January 20)
Your spirit animal is the Tasmanian devil. Did you know that they have one of the strongest bites per unit of body mass of any extant mammal land predator? Of course you did. Also like the Tasmanian devil, you’re capable of surprising speed and endurance despite your rotund appearance. Oh my god, I’m so sorry I said that.
This Week: Go find a mosh pit and flail around.
Aquarius (January 21-February
Your spirit animal is the mighty rhinoceros. Like the rhino, you’re highly sought after, but they only want you for your body. Your type is critically endangered these days, and that alone should make you feel special.
This Week: Waltz into Rhino Coffee and demand a free lunch due to unpaid royalties from capitalizing on your likeness. After they refuse, just pay them. Quit being an entitled dick and help out a small business, sheesh.
Pisces (February 20- March 20)
Your spirit animal is something fishy…let’s see, how about a sharp-shinned hawk? Yeah! That’s awesome! It’s totally the smallest hawk in the United States.
This Week: Build DaVinci’s ornithopter in an attempt to create a human-powered flying machine. Make sure to pay special attention to wing design and aerodynamics. When you die in this doomed attempt, be sure to give all of your money to me, Running Elk.
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Your spirit animal is a toad. Sorry, sometimes you get disappointing spirit animals. You need to look past that. This is an important week for you. This week you need to dig deep within yourself and question every aspect of your being. It’s going to be a lot of soul-searching, but you need to tweak a few things about your personality in order to be true to who you are and who you want to be.
This Week: Contemplate the rationale behind the fact that insects are not part of the Western diet.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Your spirit animal is the ocelot. Pretty cool. I mean you’re no tiger or lion, maybe you’re on the same level as a cheetah. Definitely above bobcats, though. Bad news: ocelots only breed once every two years. This drought you’re in right now? It’s only going to get worse.
This Week: Buy the Sleepless in Seattle/You Got Mail double-DVD set. It’s going to be a lonely winter.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Your spirit animal is the American Bison. Nothing is more iconic of the great plains of the Western United States than you. I suggest you should start wearing a headband, sunglasses only at night, and take up photography. Just try to look as much like the late Dennis Hopper as you can.
This Week: Plan a trip to Australia. You need to be around other bushrangers who want to fuel your madness.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Your spirit animal is the octopus. You’re pretty smart and quite flexible. Maybe you need to find a hobby that combines the two. Maybe sudoku yoga? You’re welcome for that brilliant idea.
This Week: Start working on a business plan, make sure to have an accountant double-check it. You don’t need to focus on a five-year plan, just stick to the one and two year goals. Make sure to take the Product-Growth Matrix into account when describing continued growth. Sodoku Yoga is going to be huge, that’s my gift to you.